Tag Archives: self

Kitchen Table Poly – And remembering my types are not universal

Okay so recently I read an excellent strip of the ever fun Kimchi Cuddles webcomic entitled #452 Kitchen Table Poly which gives rise to terms like kitchen table poly (“where everyone in the polycule knows each other and are all people who’d feel comfortable just sitting around the kitchen table in their PJs having coffee”) and parallel poly (“having partners alongside each other but not necessarily ever interacting with each other’s partners”).

It’s something I try and recognise in myself as both just a way I function and also something to be wary of.  Due to the way my poly is structured I get interacted with before some of my partners take on new partners, or escalate thing with people (sort of polyfi, I like it that way) and get basically a kind of veto.  Mostly I think I sort of lean towards kitchen table poly, its easier for my brain to say yes when it recognises the other person as either someone I find attractive to my own tastes, or  a “Yeah I could totally have a cup of tea and a chat with that person if I woke up and they were in my house”.  However that gives rise to issues when a partner who I kinda have a veto for comes to talk to me about someone who doesn’t trip this bit of my brain – I’ve found I need to be really careful and try and quiz my brain, because just because I don’t fancy a person, or I don’t want to sit around and idly socialise with that person doesn’t necessarily mean that I should say no to my partner doing partnery things with them, if they’re safe, don’t trip my gut feeling of badness and drama and most importantly my partner is interested those are more important considerations.  I’ve been tripped up by this before and I’m trying to improve my self questioning to catch myself doing it.

Changes in distence

Okay, this was initially entitled something far more dramatic, but really this is more a change than an end to things, and I’m doing my best to reframe things like that in my head as I think it’ll be good for me.

Okay so as most of you should now know (it’s been posted to facebook and hence is true) my beautiful boyfriend will sadly be no longer living in Lancaster as of the end of the month really, instead moving far away to the lands of Durham to study for his epic PhD.

And I’m glad for him on that front, but while I’m kind of excited by him doing research again (he’s really awesome when he’s academicing) and the meeting new people in a new town thing sounds kind of exciting its also a whole scary experience where he’ll no longer be right here where I can hug him.  And it’s more than that, there’s going to be a big hole in my current schedule which normally includes stuff relating to him, so the half the week or so we tend to hang out I’ll be doing other things or chatting over skype with him, the Sunday evenings where the polycule gathers to watch crime shows and eat together and chit chat … well chances are he’ll be far away or on trains heading home for those evenings and I’d gotten kind of used to being able to just wander casually between my place and his if I left something behind in one of them, and now it’s looking like I’ll need to pack carefully and take long train journeys or drives.

But still – we both knew it was going to happen sooner or later, our relationship has always been built on a certain amount of risk and uncertainty, we got together pretty much as we were both starting to move forward in transition stuff and we’ve never been sure if we’d end up living so close for so long, where our lives would take us or even if we’d be attractive to the other persons tastes 6 months from then.  But from that we’ve actually grown to be living in each others pockets more or less for the past three or so years so adjusting to getting used to being at the other end of a phone rather than the other end of a 5m walk will take some doing.

I’ve done distance relationships before when Mish was off travelling and working overseas and it kind of sucks, but in other ways its kind of fun sometimes, knowing that someone is there and you’ll see them again, but in the meantime you’ve got so much free time for things, but I find having a definite end date can help that, gives you something to look forward to and schedule projects around that are in the free time I guess, and the thing is he’s off for a PhD and then who knows, so its not really on a definite timescale.

Anyway, general update – been trying to get my head around it since it became increasingly the more common option in the past couple of months and especially now its become a certain thing, so if I’m a bit weird here’s just one more reason to add to the pile :)

Thelema and The Book of the Law

So next Monday (26th January) I’ll be giving a talk on Thelema and Book of the Law (manuscript, version with revisions, one page summary version: Liber Oz) at Pagan Society. Its an epic philosophy of freedom and mystic potential.

If your at all interested feel free to let me know and drop by.

Love is the law. Love under will.